Writing about Family Secrets

One of the most common and paralyzing obstacles for memoir writers is telling stories that expose family secrets. The fear of being ostracized—or worse, excluded—from your family for disclosing long-held family secrets can cause you to get stuck in your writing.

If you're wrestling with how to write about sensitive stories that include or affect others, here are three things to consider:

1. When you're working on a first or second or later draft that hasn't gone through the editing process yet, you get to write anything you want. These drafts are for you first and foremost. Say what you need to say in these early drafts. When you're ready to edit, you can carefully consider how to treat delicate topics, such as changing names to protect privacy or cutting stories that aren't salient to the theme of your memoir or don't propel your narrative forward. But for the early writing stage, don't shortchange the healing benefits of getting everything onto the page that comes up for you as you're working on your memoir. Don't let your fear of making people mad stop you from writing your own truth.

2. Think about why you're writing your memoir. What is it you're hoping to achieve by sharing a particular slice of your life? Is there a way to write your story without implicating others? Remember, your memoir is about you. Strive to keep the focus on yourself—your perspective, your experiences, your insights instead of focusing too much on telling other people's stories.

3. Consider what it's costing you NOT to tell your story, even if it includes sharing painful truths about people in your family. Holding a family secret can keep us stuck in our writing. More importantly, it keeps us stuck in our life.

Brené Brown says it well: “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”

What story do you need to own so that you can begin to write a brave new ending?